The past couple of weeks, I have felt that I am down to my last straw. Just a couple weeks ago I had an incident when my friends were pushing negativity into my head that I was down to my breaking point. This past Friday, my friends and I were at a Frat party, and two of my friends decides to get in my car and ditch the party because they weren’t feeling it. I got really stressed out because these two friends usually want to leave the party early and would make me drive home. There are times where I am the designated driver, yet I feel like I am not being appreciated. Just last night, I was out with my friends for Halloween night. I decided that this one night was for me to get loose and actually have fun. However, my friends were asking me to call the cab, and organize everything. Later on, we were trying to leave the club and catch a cab home. However, the cabs no were to be found so we wanted for almost 2 hours. My friends were very agitated and were taking it on me when I was not in any way responsible for them. Out of nowhere the bus shows up and I just booked it home. I thought I was going to end up in the hospital for hives. This weekend was just not the weekend I was expecting it to be.
I feel that I am missing something. I don’t know what it is, but there is a hole in my mind that is constantly telling me to be sad and shut off from the rest of the word. This is a constant battle that I have to deal with because sometimes, there will be some things that can trigger my anxiety. I am trying my best to be one step ahead by making sure that everything will find its place. Yet I find it frustrating that people aren’t putting enough effort when it comes to accountability of the relationship between friends. Because I decided one night I wanted to be free, it should mean that my friends should take charge for once and not have me to deal with everyone. I just wish that they can step foot in my shoes and take on more responsibility.
Because I am shifting myself to a position where I am dropping things that happened in the past, I find myself shutting down to certain things that happen. I just don’t know how to react. I am trying to break of my shell and just DO IT. I think this the best thing for me is to let go all of my insecurities, yet keep my beliefs and values. The clouds that has been over my head these few years will not let me stop what I am going to and do what I love. I just need to surround myself with people who will put their effort in a positive life.
I’m still confused as to where I am at. If you asked me a month ago, I would be 5 steps backward. Progress is being made, but I have a long way to go. I have to admit my brain is scatter brained and sometimes I have absolutely what is going on in the moment. I get confused and my world just stops. Not going to lie, that has probably happened to me a couple times this semester. I feel that I am pushing for positive outcomes, yet I am constantly being shot down. Whatever it circumstances are, I’m going to be the trooper I am and just deal with it or drop it complete. After all, people should be treating others with respect and show effort.
Anyways, I feel that this entry is all over the place. But my blog will resume back to the normal program. I will be blogging during my Reading break so stay tuned for more adventures.
Live life on the wild side.